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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted?

Recently, at a meeting of the camera section of the BECTU, one DP told me the following story:

He was shooting a film with an Italian director in Australia. One day this director came up and asked him “Shoot-a se lens cap-e” (to be read with an Italian accent.)
Our DP thought this to be slightly odd, but then realized that Italian directors might just be that: Odd. So he put the cap onto the lens and rolled 5 feet. He then thought “That can’t be what he’s looking for”. So he got the grip to put a little stand a few inches away from the camera, put the lens cap on top of it and asked the gaffer to put up a light. Once he had rolled another couple of feet, the director walked on set and asked “What-e are you doing-e? I sought-e you were shooting-e se lens cap-e” to which the DP replied “I just did shot the lens cap.”
After he had settled down, the director explained: “The landscap-e, not the lens cap!”

Martin Weiss

The silliest thing I ever saw was when a military captain in Ghana demanded to inspect our exposed film to see if his picture was on it. We discreetly exchanged a short end for the exposed stock. Needless to say, he didn’t get to see himself and we didn’t open our exposed footage.

The story actually goes further when the captain can’t see his image on the unexposed negative and he gets suspicious and wants to haul us down to the station. On route we encounter his superior who overrides the captain and returns us to our location. Well, it turns out that the new soldier just wants to be in the film. So he watches us and every time we roll he steps uninvited in front of the camera and addresses the audience on his love of cinema and American culture. He was so intrusive yet he saved us from an uncertain mess that we appeased him by faking a scene for him to be in while he went off on his pontifications. At least we didn’t get arrested!

Jim

What’s the difference between God and a DP? more…

In the beginning God created the DP.
God saw the DP and said he was good.
The DP saw God and said: “Turn your head, I´d rather have it back-lit.”
God said:”But I am God!”
The DP said:”I don’t care who you are. Front-lighting is no good.”
And God turned his head.

A Producer and the Pope died at the same time, and showed up at the pearly gates together. St Peter says to both of them, “Glad to see you. Come on in and see where your heavenly home is.” So they go inside and walk along the golden path to an area where there are glorious palaces on both sides of the street. St, Peter points to the most beautiful of them and says to the Producer, “Here’s your place. Have a nice eternity,” and he and the Pope continue to walk along the road.

After a couple of miles the gold road turns to cement, and the palaces turn to 4 bedroom estates, and they keep walking. A mile more, and the road turns into black top, and the houses become bungalows. A mile more, and the road turns to dirt, and the houses to hovels.

St. Peter stops in front of the meanest, dirtiest hovel and says to the Pope, “Here’s your heavenly home.”

The Pope goes understandably upset, saying, “What do you mean? You gave that other guy a palace, and me you stick with a shack?”

St. Peter says, “Obviously you don’t understand. We’ve got lots of Popes. That’s the first Producer we’ve had.”

Bill Stock

During a shot or a rehearsal (I can’t remember) I called out “boom” when the mic dipped into frame, only to have my dolly grip suddenly boom the dolly arm up, practically grinding my head into the low ceiling… On another show, I had the camera armed out over a pool table, and the dolly grip (not looking as he was trying to move the dolly) boomed the camera down into the expensive tabletop and crushed the assistant’s front box (which the production tried to refuse to replace). Ahh, the joys of low budget film making…
David Mullen

This is an actual message, posted on alt.movies.independent in Nov. 1998 (geesh; imagine, in 1998 I actually had time to read the alt. lists…)

Subject: IN SEARCH OF PEOPLE

We are trying to assemble a low budget independent film, and need the following:
1) Sound Editors/F/Xs
2) UPM (Unit Production Managers)
3) Camera Operators (may be covered)
4) Actors/Actresses
5) Grips

All of the tech crew must be able to act, and all of the actors must be able to do tech. Payment comes in the form of even cut of the earnings. Sound F/Xs do not have to be able to act, and the position may already be filled. We already have one actress, a director, assistant director, cinematographer, producer (me), and writer. Stage acting experience preferred. People who can bring their own camera strongly preferred. Probably lodging will be camping out in the Mojave desert for the duration of the film. This will not be great fun, but is a chance to put something on your resume.

How tall is a sound recordist?
-I don’t know either. I’ve never seen one standing up.

What do sound man’s children do for fun?
-Watch other children play.

How can you tell when a teamster is dead?
-The doughnut falls out of his mouth.

What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters ?
-”Don’t do anything ’till I come back.”

What’s the difference between a producer and a coconut?
-You can get a drink out of a coconut.

How can you tell that a producer is lying?
-He opens his mouth.

What is the difference between a DP and God?
-God doesn’t think he’s a DP

How do you get the attention of four aspiring actors?
-”Waiter!”