My favourite story is about Antarctic explorer and photographer/cinematographer Frank Hurley. In 1932, shooting newsreel footage in Canberra for Cinesound News, he told his assistant “Never mind the camera, just fix your eyes on the lake. Don’t look away for a second.”
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I just love this one!

This is a special calendar for handling Hollywood production work. But it can easily be alterated for use on productions around the globe.

In the beginning was the Idea.
And then came the Story Outlines.
And the Story Outlines were without form.
And the Idea was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Writers.
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How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why would they care?

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Before the days of digital stills, the one option to make instant photographs was using Polaroid. Fellow film-makers used it not only for purely practical reasons, as these two stories will show.

When I was a student I had the opportunity to watch Ivan Strasburg light a shoot with Mike McShane (a very large Canadian comedian). Half way through the afternoon the gaffer brought me a polaroid camera, of the sort that feed the picture out of the front as soon as the picture is taken, and told me that the make up artist had asked him to take a still of Mr McShane, but that he didn’t feel he had the necessary photographic skill to do the job properly, and would I mind? Of course I was only too pleased to help, and so I took the camera and asked Mr McShane to come and stand in the light to get a good likeness. Just before I took the picture the gaffer reminded me that the picture needed to be a biggish close-up, so I leant a little closer and pressed the button. Out of the camera, right in Mr McShane’s face appeared a big close up alright, but of the gaffer’s hairy, and very white, arse. Mr McShane looked closely at it for a couple of seconds before muttering “Damn, these British makeup artists can’t do anything right. The script says I’m supposed to have a tan.”

Chris Merry

I once did a picture with a DP who shot an excessive amount of Polaroids for every scene in the movie. Bored with this practice, I took a white show card and wrote in big bold letters TRY 2.8.
I underexposed it by a stop and left it in the camera so he would double expose it when making his evaluation… He wasn’t amused, but it was rather funny at the time!

Mark Simon

Years ago, we were shooting a PR film about an almost on line nuke power plant. We were loading onto the reactor’s fuelling floor (where we had to step over these long wood boxes, only to find out these are the shipping cases for the reactor’s “plutonium rods”!), every item, and I mean every item had to be listed on a security sheet as we passes through the security gate.

The grips had to count every clothes pin on their belt, and if anything was accidentally left off the list yet brought onto the floor, it had to be left behind, no excuses (I guess this prevented the grips from taking any plutonium rods out!).

I was the 2nd AC and was rolling a magliner through the gate and verbally giving the old security guard a list of the gear, when I got to “baby legs and baby leg spreaders”, the old guy just stopped in his tracks, looked up to me and said, “Yeah… right! Enough of this bullshit!” He thought I was trying to play him as a fool, especially just after the grips recently passed through the same gate with a dozen “nook lights, pigeon plates and cookies!”
Jeff Barklage

How tall is a sound recordist?
-I don’t know either. I’ve never seen one standing up.

What do sound man’s children do for fun?
-Watch other children play.

How can you tell when a teamster is dead?
-The doughnut falls out of his mouth.

What was the last thing Jesus said to the Teamsters ?
-”Don’t do anything ’till I come back.”

What’s the difference between a producer and a coconut?
-You can get a drink out of a coconut.

How can you tell that a producer is lying?
-He opens his mouth.

What is the difference between a DP and God?
-God doesn’t think he’s a DP

How do you get the attention of four aspiring actors?
-”Waiter!”

During a re-lighting the DP and the Camera Operator end up arguing. The DP says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Operator argues the opposite: 70% work and 30% pleasure.

They can’t agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is the Loader doing coffee rounds. They ask him his opinion. He gets their permission to speak freely.

And so he says:”Well, if you really ask my opinion, I’d say it’s all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you’d have me doing it!”

On my old website – which mostly dates back to 1998 – I also had a section with crew jokes from and near the set. From time to time I shall post a gem from that collection in my blog. Today we start with the art of gaffing.
For those not from the film industry, a Gaffer is the head of the lighting department. He organizes that all lights are placed according to the Director of Photograpy’s wishes, and of course he is in charge of safety. The Best Boy is the right hand of the Gaffer.)

While at lunch, the Gaffer puts one of those clip-on reflector units that you generally put a standard screw in light bulb into behind every HMI in the studio. The rub is… in every one of the clip-ons, he screws in one of those magnesium flash bulbs that look like standard household bulbs (you know, the ones that cost about 10 bucks a piece). We get back to the set from lunch, and the AD yells, “We’re Back, Light ‘em Up.” The Best Boy throws the master bull switch, and it looks like he has blown every globe in the house in the process, drops to his knees like a lightning bolt and pulls out his meters… you can guess what the expression was when he figured out the joke was on him.
by Mark Simon